Always a class act!

The Hollyweirdos had a hoedown for Lurch and Opie last night and Whoopi Goldberg was the star attraction:

Whoopi Goldberg delivered an X-rated rant full of sexual innuendoes against President Bush last night at a Radio City gala that raised $7.5 million for the newly minted Democratic ticket of John Kerry and John Edwards.

Waving a bottle of wine, she fired off a stream of vulgar sexual wordplays on Bush's name in a riff about female genitalia, and boasted that she'd refused to let Team Kerry clear her material.

"I Xeroxed my behind and I folded it up in an envelope and I sent it back with a big kiss mark on because we're Democrats - we're not afraid to laugh," she said.

She addressed fresh-faced vice-presidential candidate Edwards as "Kid," and "young Mr. Edwards" and cracked, "He looks like he is about 18 "

"I'm going to card his ass tomorrow."

Lurch gallantly defended his "campaign partner" however:

The North Carolina senator's high-wattage smile seemed to fade a bit more each time Goldberg called out to him. When Kerry later spoke, he took pains to make it clear he had no kid on his team.

"I have a man, Whoopi," the Massachusetts lawmaker said.

Indeed, as the news photos Drudge and others have been featuring illustrate (click to supersize):





I'd been seeing stories that Lurch and Opie were being touted as the most "gay-friendly" candidates in history. I took that to mean they were supportive of the usual crowd of professional homosexuals, but now I'm beginning to wonder. Andy Borowitz attempts to elucidate:

EDWARDS ASKS KERRY TO STOP GRABBING HIS ASS
Public Displays of Affection ‘Distracting,’ Says Kerry’s No. 2

After a mere two days on the campaign trail, the first signs of tension between John Kerry and running mate John Edwards emerged today as Sen. Edwards requested, firmly and unequivocally, that Mr. Kerry stop grabbing his ass.

“I think Sen. Kerry has made it very clear in our joint appearances that he is happy to have me on the ticket,” Mr. Edwards told reporters. “He really doesn’t have to prove it by repeatedly grabbing my ass.”

At a campaign stop in Pennsylvania today, Mr. Edwards was in the middle of a speech when he emitted a high-pitched yelp, apparently in response to yet another unexpected display of affection from Sen. Kerry.

“Jesus, John,” a visibly annoyed Mr. Edwards said to Mr. Kerry, who merely stood behind him smiling mischievously.

In a sign that Mr. Kerry’s unwanted embraces may be taking their toll on the newly-minted vice-presidential candidate, Mr. Edwards departed from his prepared remarks, telling hs audience, “There are two Americas – one that gets to grab ass, and one that gets its ass grabbed.”

Intriguingly, a source confirmed that Mr. Kerry’s penchant for ass-grabbing was the principal reason Rep. Dick Gephardt (D-Missouri) did not make the Democratic ticket: “The whole idea of it grossed Dick out.”

Sheesh, what next? Last time they had Big Weird Al Gore stuffing rolled up socks in his pants to prove he was an "alpha male." Come to think of it though, it would have been cool to see FDR smooching John Nance Garner.

UPDATE: Terspboy has some new snaps.

UPDATE 2: Instapundit says, "Roll the Videotape!"

Tracking the Moonbats

Damian Penny has the goods on a couple of prime specimens, although I suppose that in my usual taxonomy, they're delusional pond scum. First, Matthew Parris:

The Spectator has hit rock bottom. (I believe I expressed similar thoughts when they printed an article titled "Iraqis were better off under Saddam," but I mean it this time.) After returning from Russia, Matthew Parris praises the "hope and decency of Soviet communism".

Follow the link for much more on Matt's epiphany, but I liked his great insight about St. Petersburg:

Tsar Peter the Great, whose vision and creation this city is, would not have been a neocon.

Hopefully Matt's not planning a career in rocket science. But if you really want to plumb the depths, there's Helen Caldicott who apparently never met a old fashioned, Stalin-Brezhnev style Commie she didn't like.

Better stay out of Ft. Marcy Park, Opie!

Kevin at Wizbang spots a beauty:

Clinton couldn't restrain a triumphant grin at the plight of a clear rival - in fact, one who is seeking the 2004 nomination. She spoke to him in a near shout - loud enough for the galleries to hear. “Just stand there and look pretty, John,” she said.

Fat, lying, and obnoxious is a heck of a way to go through life

James Lileks takes crapsack Michael Moore to the woodshed. I can't begin to excerpt it, but I liked this part in reference to the new book, Michael Moore Is A Big Fat Stupid White Man:

It unpacks the assertions made by his books and movies. It’s not a flame-throwing rant. It’s the brief for the defense - the client in the dock being America. Fans of Mr. Moore would be advised to read it, if only to get a head start on refuting its innumerable refutations. Plus, it has an essay by Tim Blair, who is crueler and funnier than Moore can ever hope to be. If Moore had Blair’s talent, Ralph Nader would not only be elected president but elevated to Global Pope-Emperor by a deafening national voice-vote.

Whew! Good thing Tim isn't on the Dark Side!

It's a typical government program without the pretense

From Down Under (in more ways than one) - Aunty's got wind and MPs cry foul:

THE ABC has come under fire for wasting taxpayers' money on a new website which encourages children to "make better farts".

The Federal Government is outraged that the national broadcaster axed the popular children's show Behind The News because of a lack of funding, but managed to find money to teach kids how to break wind more effectively.

Respected scientist Dr Karl Kruszelnicki has written a column for the site called Begone With The Wind, telling children that "the average fart is a wondrous event". Children are also encouraged to take part in a "Great Fart Survey", a "Great Baked Beans Fart Experiment" and to submit poetry about bodily functions.

"What are the farts of Australia's kids really like?" the survey asks. "Are we a nation of silent and deadlies or machine gunners? And how much do baked beans really increase your farting ability?"

Another section titled "celebrity farts" asks high-profile Australians to recall their fondest farting memory.

Well, there was the time I had "5 alarm chili" for dinner and then ... .

But wait, I'm not a celeb. Maybe we could get Ted Kennedy to play? That ought to clear the room. Lurch would be cool too, but he would likely blame it on a Secret Service agent - "I never fart - it was that SOB!"

Geeks Gone Wild!

Gadget Geeks Unite In Techno-Sexual Movement

Is it that important for a guy to have a stylish vacuum cleaner? It is apparently if you are a techno-sexual.

Ricky Montalvo is a techno-sexual who will help you get chic from your coffeepot to your stereo system.

Montalvo leads a team of Silicon Valley Tech workers who started the techno-sexual movement.

They say it is about style, culture and, of course, a lot of technology.

"You know, back in the day a woman wanted a guy who can change the oil, rake the leaves, and clean the rain gutters. We're saying the new ideal male is a guy who can set up her wireless DSL configuration at her home," Montalvo said.

Woohoo! The story seems big on technology and short on sex, but who knows? Maybe WiFi setup will replace "long walks on the beach" in singles ads. Then again, maybe not.

It's the room temperature IQ vote!

Don't ask me why the Houston Chronicle is doing Ohio "man on the street" stories, but Ohio voters view Edwards as practical and engaging:

Sheila Piner was so disillusioned with the presidential contenders that she considered not voting in November. But that changed this week when Democrat John Kerry named John Edwards his running mate.

"I love him. He's so damn cute," Piner, 38, said Wednesday as she ate at the Golden Nugget Pancake House, a popular breakfast spot in the suburbs of this industrialized city.

Maybe he'll drop by your place for some quality time, Sheila!

I guess he's just a regular guy!

Kim Jong Il Introduces Hamburgers to North Korea as 'quality' Food:

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has introduced hamburgers to his reclusive, communist country in a campaign to provide "quality" food to university students, media reported Wednesday.

The hamburgers were introduced in 2000 and dubbed "gogigyeopbbang," Korean for "double bread with meat," according to the June 29 edition of the North Korean state-run newspaper Minju Joson.

Easy for them to say, I'm sure. But what did ole Wingnut have to do with it? Run around in a Hamburglar outfit?

Although reports from the isolated country have in recent years mentioned the introduction of the American fast food classic, the latest announcement seems to credit the country's leader for their advent.

The news marks a curious development for North Korea, where U.S. consumerism is routinely reviled in the official media and people refer to the soft drink Coca Cola as the "cesspool water of American capitalism."

Wednesday's report cites leader Kim Jong Il as saying at the time of the hamburger's introduction: "I've made up my mind to feed quality bread and french fries to university students, professors and researchers even if we are in (economic) hardship."

I hope there was a burger in there somewhere!

The government then built a hamburger plant and Kim Jong Il ordered officials to pay close attention to modernizing mass production, the report was quoted as saying by Yonhap.

Hamburgers from the factory were first provided only to students at the elite Kim Il Sung University in Pyongyang, but were later provided to other schools, the daily said.

Well, yeehaw! Although a glance at ole Kim's profile makes one suspicious he has been quality testing the product himself. Alot.

Some things you just can't make up!

Lurch has an eructation:

"We've got better vision, better ideas, real plans, we've got a better sense of what's happening to America and we've got better hair"

And in related news of the bizzare - UN: We Can Beat Spam in Two Years.

More Nuanced Hijinks with Lurch!

Mickey Kaus notices an oddity with the big Lurch announcement of Opie as his VP pick:

Kerry managed to choose John Edwards Tuesday without getting the traditional money shot of the both of them holding their hands aloft. NBC's Tim Russert told Brian Williams this was "very deliberate"--a carefully planned "rollout" designed to dominate the news for most of the week. They'll hold hands tomorrow! ... Aren't Kerry's strategists severely overestimating the excitement surrounding this ticket? They're also failing to take into account the public's increased ability to swiftly process a less-than-shocking story which will be yesterday's news--an hour and a half ago, actually. Today, the Kerry-Edwards money shot would surely have led all the networks. Tomorrow it might well air after the commercial break in a quotidian campaign story covering both sides. ... When do they kiss? This isn't Friends, where the suspense can be dragged out as the nation wonders when Joey and Rachel will hook up!

I, for one, am overwhelmed by the suspense!

Over at the American Spectator, the Prowler has a different take on the odd rollout of Opie:

Surprisingly, Kerry was adamant about making the announcement without Edwards being present, an oddity in modern politics, even for a man such as Kerry obsessed with public image. The Kerry campaign spun Edwards' absence from the Tuesday morning announcement by first claiming that it was no big deal (Edwards did a phoner with reporters immediately after the announcement), and then, when that didn't fly, by claiming that the announcement was supposed to be on Wednesday, but fear of leaks pushed the announcement up.

In the end, though, say Kerry insiders, they believe it had everything to do with keeping Edwards in his place.

"This selection was not entirely the senator's to make," says a former Kerry adviser. "Despite everything that has been said about a one-man decision, he was getting lots of pressure from outsiders to get Edwards on the ticket. And let's be honest, everyone has known from day one that Edwards was campaigning for this slot throughout the primary season. Kerry knows this is a good pick, but there is unease there that he has picked a man who will overshadow him as a personality and as a speaker. I am not surprised that he left Edwards in Washington and kept the spotlight on himself. That is so John Kerry."

Ruh Oh! And things weren't helped by Teresa's dislike for the pretty boy based on some his comments about the Lurchster during the primaries.

Developing!