Global Test Revelations!

Instapundit reader Randy Pickett found a copy!

Global Test for Pre-emptive Military Action by the U.S.

1. Is the U.S. President a Republican?
2. Could this action possibly stabilize oil production?
3. Are France and Germany supplying the intended target with weapons or advice?
4. Would any small time thugocracy with a seat on the Security Council feel threatened?
5. Are family members of high ranking U.N. bureaucrats benefiting financially from the status quo?
6. Is this action likely to enhance America’s power in the world?
7. Would this action further the goals of free market/free trade advocates?
8. Would this action make the U.N. look weak and inconsistent?
9. Would this action divide the countries of the European Union?
10. Would this action be seen as offensive to a world religion (other than Christianity and Judaism)?

And over at Small Dead Animals, there's a photo of the Global Test in action!

Meanwhile, Chrenkoff has some thoughts on Kerry's UN Fetishism. Here's a snip:

Ironically, the first story I saw this morning when I went to Google News was "Annan says Syria, Lebanon fail to comply with UN resolution." Gosh, another UN resolution ignored by the concerned parties? How could this be? Not to worry, the next time it will work.

That is pretty kinky.

More Global Test Fun!

From Cox & Forkum. More by following the link and great editorial cartoons all the time.

From Iowa Presidential Watch. I didn't use the large version, it's too scary!

It's teacher's pet!

Seems more like Eddie Haskell to me!

Well, here's a surprise!

The ultimate weapon against bloviation

Kerry Team Wants Debate Lecterns Free Of Timing Lights

CORAL GABLES, Fla. (AP)--Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry's campaign demanded Thursday that the lights signaling when a speaker's time has expired during debates with President George W. Bush be removed from the lecterns because they are distracting, but the commission hosting the debates refused.

An angry exchange between representatives of the Kerry campaign and the Commission on Presidential Debates took place just hours before the candidates were to meet at the University of Miami for the first of three debates, The Associated Press learned. Kerry's team threatened to remove the lights when they visit the debate site with the candidate later in the day.

"We'll bring a screwdriver," said a Kerry aide familiar with what several people called an angry exchange.

Ok, Lurch, you big baby! We have a substitute that we know you'll enjoy!

(Idea: FR)

C'mon Down!

Here's something disgusting from the Toronto Star:

Snipers say U.S. ties angered comrades

Military probe claims they were deemed traitors
Hailed as heroes by U.S. troops in Afghanistan

OTTAWA—Hailed as heroes for their crack shots in the mountains of Afghanistan, a group of decorated Canadian snipers were considered traitors by their fellow soldiers for the simple reason they worked alongside American troops.

That's the troubling allegation behind a new probe under way by the Canadian military.
...
"The chief of defence staff is concerned about the nature of the complaints that he's heard and he wants an independent investigation to get to the bottom of it," Marin told the Star.

"These are very serious allegations," Marin said.

For the countless American soldiers whose lives were saved by sharp eyes and crack shots of the snipers, the Canadians were seen as heroes.

But other Canadian soldiers resented their close affiliation with the American troops and made no secret of it when the snipers returned to their base in Afghanistan and then home to Canada, a source told the Star.
...
The snipers, members of Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry, 3rd Battalion, were sent to Afghanistan in late February 2002 as part of the first deployment of Canadian Forces in that country after a U.S.-led coalition launched its war against terrorism.

More than 20 kills were unofficially accredited to the snipers during Operation Anaconda in Shah-i-Kot Valley.

Five of the snipers were nominated for one of the highest awards given by the United States military — the Bronze Star, two of them with Vs for Valour, marking exceptional bravery. But in what was a signal of the troubles they were encountering, awarding of the American medal was delayed by Canadian protocol officials.

C'mon down guys - you'd be more than welcome.

On the other hand, our snipers can use a hand of a different kind - Adopt a Sniper.

I'll be on TV!

INDC Interviews the CBS Evening News, including "crack" reporter Richard Schlesinger. about the bogus draft story. Comments at INDC and Protein Wisdom which also links many others.

Unlike these other folks, I'm not upset. I think there's a real opportunity for personal fame and glory in the apparent criteria for a CBS "news" story:

• "it was an issue because it was out there"
• [the bogus emails] "were going around. I know several people that got them, and it’s gotten people all riled up" and "The truth of the e-mails were absolutely irrelevant to the piece, because all the story said was that people were worried"
• "We worked backwards from the e-mail, that’s how we found her [wingnut Beverly Cocco, founder of "People Against the Draft"]. She told me that she was going to vote for Bush, though she said she may flip-flop."

Well, on that basis, I have the next big scoop for CBS! Yep, it's orbital mind control lasers!

• It sure is an issue that is out there!
• Follow the link for some emails. I don't have to verify anything other than they have people all riled up.
• Now here's the fame part! CBS can call some of the folks who are all riled up, but frankly they sound a trifle loopy like Rep. Dennis Kucinich. Or CBS can call me! Let's just say I'm a Democrat who was going to vote for Kerry, but I may flip flop because I'm so worried about mind control laser policy! If it helps I'll even start a group:

Richy! Call me now!

"I want to look like John Kerry"

Michael Kane from the NY Post isn't early for Halloween, he just wants a tan:

"I saw that photo," said staffer Iris Elton.

She said she wasn't sure they could pull off a pumpkin-orange glow - "but we can make you look really dark," she said.

"How long do you think that would take?"

Elton thought it over.

"Six seconds," she said. "That's for the full-body Instant Tan, which will last about four days."

Sold.

I paid $30 for the three-step tan job (plus 46 cents for an optional pair of paper booties).

First, you get sprayed with dihydroxyacetone (DHB), which is FDA-approved and not as evil as it sounds. Basically, it dyes the top layer of skin.

I was told to get in the shower, where your whole body gets sprayed.

"So," I awkwardly asked Iris, "what do you wear, you know, in that area?"

Luckily, a male staffer intervened.

"You could go in the buff," he said. "A lot of guys do that."

I took a pass on the underspray.

"Or we could give you another bootie," he said.

Funny. I opted to wear my boxers.

And he ended up with a pair of "bronze shorts." You also have to rub the stuff around before it dries, otherwise you get "streaks." Frankly, it seems pretty bizarre, but I suppose it's a mere trifle compared to having botulism toxin (Botox) injected into your face to paralyze wrinkle causing muscles.

"Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?"

Old Democrat pick-up lines aren't working on women:

If the Democrats are looking for a good campaign manual for the first presidential debate, they might consider Emily Post. The women's vote isn't behaving the way it's "supposed to." Maybe the problem's with the theory.

After weeks of watching President Bush's post-convention lead widen, John Kerry got his latest hint of rejection from the damsels Democrats have taken for granted for the past few elections: Across the country, the ballyhooed gender gap has narrowed and, in some places, disappeared.

So ladies are now set to get what you might call a thoroughly modern courtship from the Democrats — quick and dirty.

Ruh Oh! Lots more by following the link, but here's the closer:

On the big issues (security, economy), women turn out not to be so different from men. You'd think women's groups would be proud of the fact that women are wrestling with these matters and coming to their own, independent judgments. Why should nongender-related topics adhere to a "gender gap" anyway? But, of course, that ends up leaving the women's groups (nearly all of them aligned with the Democratic Party) feeling kind of useless, doesn't it?

It's so annoying when the panderees ignore the panderers.

Put the hammer down!

The NRA has started its media campaign in earnest with a big blast. What sticks in my craw isn't so much that Lurch is rabidly anti-2nd Amendment and anti-hunting - it's that he lies about it.

Richard Schlesinger, you've got mail!

Some more fun with the crack crew at CBS from a suggestion at the Volokh Conspiracy.

Hmm, I wonder if he buys a lot of, er, "male attribute enlargers" too?

Deja Vu Update!

Captain Ed - The Kerry/Edwards Draft, or Dodging History:

The Democrats have had a fine time this month spreading urban legends about the prospect of a reintroduction of the military draft during a second Bush term. Not only have they and their associates started a shadowy e-mail campaign, but several of their party leaders accused Republicans of hiding a "secret plan" to restart the draft, despite the numerous denials from the GOP -- and the fact that the only people to actually propose a new draft are two Democrats, Charles Rangel and Fritz Hollings. CBS helped out, again, by again treating rumors as fact and basing an entire news segment on the hoax.

But lost in the shuffle until now is John Kerry's proposal to require service for high-school graduation, found by Swimming Through The Spin. Brian found the original web page archived, as somehow this proposal has been mysteriously deleted from the John Kerry website.

More by following the links, but it reminded me that I mentioned this back in April when Ralph Nader was whining about a draft and Lurch was floating his grand plan:

And speaking of old tunes, how about Creating a New Army of Patriots? (the link that no longer works but is archived here)

As part of his 100 day plan to change America, John Kerry will propose a comprehensive service plan that includes requiring mandatory service for high school students and four years of college tuition in exchange for two years of national service.

Don't worry though, peaceniks! Although Lurch isn't real clear on the concept, it seems to mostly involve singing Kumbaya around the campfire, if having a campfire isn't ecologically unsound. It'll fill all the usual suspects with nostalgia for the good ole days.

C'mon Lurch, tell us more about that mandatory service!

They just keep on coming

(Hat tip: bootyist-monk)

It's deja vu all over again

RatherBiased.com (due to server overload, temporarily here):

CBS Does It Again
Network Uses Phony Documents to Promote Draft Conspiracy
...
Three weeks after he denounced the internet as being "filled with rumors," the embattled CBS anchor ran a story on his Tuesday "Evening News" program hoping to stir up fear of an impending military draft.

In a story that was a textbook example of slipshod reporting, CBS reporter Richard Schlesinger used debunked internet hoax emails and an unlabeled interest group member to scare elderly "Evening" viewers into believing that the U.S. government is poised to resume the draft.

Keep on digging, Captain Dan.

Those pesky Oompa Loompas!

Cadethappy puts my feeble effort in the shade with a crew of very familiar looking Loompas. Blogs for Bush has a nice "side by side" and Blogs of War even has an Oompa Loompa song! Meanwhile, the NY Post consults some experts (as well as mentioning George Hamilton, the king of competition tanning)!

Hugh Hewitt is having fun too, but mentions the dreaded "p-word" which inevitably leads to:

Grab a sick sack before proceeding!

You likely have heard of democraticunderground.com, the fever swap of US leftism. Well, guess who hangs out there? Elizabeth Edwards and Chris Heinz.

I'll bet Number 1 is pissed!

MoveOn apparently had nothing better to do with their billionaire bucks than to run a full page ad in the NY Times complaining about Gallup polls. Full text here (on Soros' nickel) and hilarity here. Hmmm, maybe it's a sneaky subsidy from Number 1 for the NY Times?

Update: (Via Wizbang) Number 1 is pissed! So pissed that he's going on his own campaign tour to 12 cities in swing states! And he has opened www.GeorgeSoros.com to vent his spleen:

He even has his own blog where he will answer questions! Hmm, I do have a few, but I bet I won't get answers.

Are we having fun yet or what?

"I want to be this nation's first Oompa Loompa President!"

Drudge has the laughs in KERRY ON ORANGE ALERT: SKIN TRANSITION ON EVE OF DEBATE . Sheesh! Good thing no one has invented smell-o-vision or he would be slapping gun oil on his cheeks.

She'll show Lurch hers, if he'll show her his

I guess Lurch doesn't get to see Feinswine's after all. Michelle Malkin has the details.

Be careful what you wish for!

Jim Treacher:

Open letter to everybody who thinks they should have been included in that NYT Magazine thing on bloggers today

Please shut up for a minute and actually read it, like I just forced myself to. Don't just skim it for your own name, or for how many more "lefties" are named than "righties." Read it.

You dodged a bullet.

David Frum has similar thoughts:

Matthew Klam’s piece pays little attention to the political consequences of left-wing blogging. He amuses himself instead with a brutal evisceration of the ambitions and delusions of three of the best-known left-wing bloggers in his gunsights: the above-mentioned Marshall, Ann Marie Cox of Wonkette.com, and Markos Moulitsas of DailyKos.com. Klam deftly portrays Marshall’s obsessive hunting of Great White Whale conspiracies, the grungy ideological fanaticism of the Daily Kos, and the desperately flailing attention seeking of Wonkette. Klam's piece cannot make for pleasant reading for any of his subjects. And I suspect that the unpleasantness must have come as quite a shock.

Read both.

The times, they are a-changin'

This week's Newsweek cover story is about Bob Dylan and his forthcoming autobiography. Despite the usual press release, so far, except for The Washington Times, only the foreign press has had articles about the contents. Maybe because the US media are in shock. Take it away, Gnu Hunter (Australia):

Bob Dylan, one of THE icons of the 60's "counter culture" dreamt of a nine-to-five existence and longed for John Howard's much villified "house with a white picket fence".

"The world was absurd ... I had very little in common with and knew even less about a generation that I was supposed to be the voice of," Dylan says.

"I was fantasising about a nine-to-five existence, a house on a tree-lined block with a white picket fence, pink roses in the backyard.

"Roadmaps to our homestead must have been posted in all 50 states for gangs of dropouts and druggies.

"I wanted to set fire to these people."

More by following the link and much, much more in the Newsweek book excerpt including:

Early on, Woodstock had been very hospitable to us.
...
Moochers showed up from as far away as California on pilgrimages. Goons were breaking into our place all hours of the night. At first, it was merely the nomadic homeless making illegal entry—seemed harmless enough, but then rogue radicals looking for the Prince of Protest began to arrive—unaccountable-looking characters, gargoyle-looking gals, scarecrows, stragglers looking to party, raid the pantry. Peter LaFarge, a folksinger friend of mine, had given me a couple of Colt single-shot repeater pistols, and I also had a clip-fed Winchester blasting rifle around, but it was awful to think about what could be done with those things.

The authorities, the chief of police (Woodstock had about three cops) had told me that if anyone was shot accidentally or even shot at as a warning, it would be me that would be going to the lockup. Not only that, but creeps thumping their boots across our roof could even take me to court if any of them fell off. This was so unsettling. I wanted to set fire to these people. These gate-crashers, spooks, trespassers, demagogues were all disrupting my home life and the fact that I was not to piss them off or they could press charges really didn't appeal to me.

Sheesh! You should have tried Texas, Bob! I believe "They needed shootin'" is still a valid defense there.

Danger, Will Robinson!

Cadethappy has Kerry and Edwards Lost in Space (with a cameo by the Goron). And while you're there, check out Lurch as C3PO in "Let the Wookie Win".

Speaking of Edwards - has anyone seen him lately? Maybe he got replaced by Hillary and they didn't let us know!

Update: They are now both at the single link given above.

Time to start polishing up those resumes!

There are all kinds of "Bosses from Hell." And a nice case study of one classic type is provided in today's NY Times - Kerry as the Boss: Always More Questions. The type that micromanages the nonessentials but can't make a real decision, and tries to cover it with extended prattling since he is in love with the sound of his own voice. They try to spin it like Lurch is "Socratic" and a "deep thinker," but it seems more like terminal waffling to me:

His habit of soliciting one more point of view prompted one close adviser to say he had learned to wait until the last minute before weighing in: Mr. Kerry, he said, is apt to be most influenced by the last person who has his ear. His aides rejoiced earlier this year when Mr. Kerry yielded his cellphone to an aide, a move they hoped would limit his seeking out contrary opinions.

And the online edition has a small article tacked on the end:

Kerry Ad Hits Back
...
The advertisement was a response to a spot run by the Progress for America Voter Fund, a so-called 527 committee that has spent tens of millions to support Mr. Bush. The Republican advertisement included images of terrorist attacks in the United States and overseas, with an announcer asking, "'Would you trust Kerry up against these fanatic killers?''

Would you trust Kerry to find his butt without a roadmap?