Some things you just can't make up

The Register conveniently provides a copy of an online article from Galway First that apparently has clobbered their server - Irish donkey sex case shocks net. I know - it sounds like another "Day in the Taliban" article except in Ireland, but it's a lot better than that:

A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised "to get out and meet people," the local court heard last week.

Thomas Aloysius McCarney, with an address in south Galway, was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage. Solicitor for the accused Ms Sharon Fitzhenry said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely.

"Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey," she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like "Isn't that right, Donkey?"

Supt John McBrearty told the court that Mr McCarney who had signed in as "Mr Shrek" had told hotel staff that the donkey was a family pet and that this was believed by the hotel receptionist who the supt said was "young and hadn't great English."

Receptionist Irina Legova said that Mr McCarney had told her that the donkey was a breed of "super rabbit" which he was bringing to a pet fair in the city. The court was told that the donkey went berserk in the middle of the night and ran amok in the hotel corridor, forcing hotel staff to call the gardai.

McCarney was found in the room wearing a latex suit and handcuffs, the key to which the donkey is believed to have swallowed. He was removed to Mill St station after which it is said he was the subject of much mirth among the lads next door in The Galway Arms.

He was fined €2,000 for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837. Other charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I don't even know where to start with all the rich TGIF goodness in this tale, but there's a lesson here for Bill Clinton. If Hillary takes him back to the White House, he can always use the Donkey Defense when he inevitably gets caught.

Global Warming breakthrough!

Bristol boffins answer Branson's challenge:

Somebody call Al Gore and tell him he can leave the lights on in his house for as long as he likes: some academics in Bristol have solved the climate change crisis. Oh yes, and they want their $25m prize money from Richard Branson, thankyewverymuch.

Branson and Gore joined forces at the beginning of the month to offer the cash to the person who comes up with the best way of reducing the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. The winner, should there actually be one, will have to find a way of removing a billion tons of the gas from the atmosphere.

Now researchers at the University of Bristol have put forward their suggestion: stop breathing.

This also has the benefit of no flatulence either since methane is a greenhouse gas too.

This idea, while drastic, has the advantage of not costing anything, and requiring no significant investment in developing new technologies. The side effects are pretty messy, though, so the researchers offer a second suggestion: stop breathing so much.

Dr Mark Steer (in the background of the photograph above, in which he is accompanied by his colleague Dr. Andrew Impey) explains: "If we merely cut out one breath in three, we could decrease the amount of CO2 entering the atmosphere each year by a staggering 0.63 gigatonnes. That's the same effect as saving five million acres of land (an area the size of Wales) from deforestation."

Dang! Someone page the ecoweenies!

As well as averting the mass suicide of the planet's entire human population, this also means heading to the gym is a no-no.

In their press statement, the researchers explain that "the average person exercising at the recommended level of 30 minutes five times a week could be adding as much as 1.3kg of extra carbon dioxide to the atmosphere each year".

Just as well - most ecoweenies don't believe in soap and showers either. My only quibble: Does this mean we don't get to have any virgin sacrifices to appease the angry weather gods?

The original research report is here where one of the commenters claims precedence for a publication with additional suggestions like:

- Reduce sexual activity as much as possible. Even telephone sex can be responsible for terrestrially damaging heavy breathing.

Bad news for Bill Clinton!

- Fit your young children and pets with Envirohale ® (available directly from Trend Laboratories Inc of California). This simple device responds to excessive respiration and applies a mild electric shock to the genitalia.

You can see a snap of an early model of the Envirohale by following the link. Insist that all the Global Warming believers prove their seriousness by wearing one immediately!