Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Shamu blubbers, but it gets better

We all knew Rosie O'Donnell was more than a few fries short of a Happy Meal, but now she confirms it:
Rosie O'Donnell says she began being treated for depression after the Columbine school shootings and hangs upside down for up to a half-hour a day to improve her mental state.
It's got to look like one of those sport fishing photos where they hang up the tuna at the dock, but hold on:

When gunmen killed 13 people at Columbine High School in Colorado in 1999, O'Donnell said she felt as if it had happened to her children.

Sounds less like depression and more like delusion.

"I couldn't stop crying," she said on an episode taped for ABC's "The View" and due to air Friday. "I stayed in my room. The lights were off. I couldn't get out of bed and that's when I started taking medication."

They just delivered the stack of pizzas bedside I guess, but I don't want to know about the chamberpot. Must have been the size of wash tub.
When she began taking antidepressants, O'Donnell, 44, said she began yoga and "inversion therapy," where she hangs upside down by a swing for 15 to 30 minutes a day. She demonstrates it on "The View." [on Friday]
Hot dang! Is that "Must See TV" or not? Maybe she'll do the whole show upside down!

But wait, there's more:

O'Donnell said she also has seasonal affective disorder, often called SAD, the wintertime blues that can strike when the days grow short. SAD is characterized by recurrent major depressive episodes during the fall and winter.
Being trapped indoors with Rosie makes everybody sad I guess.
She's "instantly happy" on sunny days but feels as if she's being tortured when it's cloudy. She feels the most important thing to do when you're feeling depressed is to get up and move.
Move faster, Shamu. Preferably far away.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Tell us how you really feel about your cell phone

I'm not a fan of the Guardian, but I always enjoy a good flame like that penned by Charlie Booker after he took advantage of an offer by his cell phone provider (Orange - a big UK brand) to get a new Samsung E900 cell phone free (whitespace added):
When you dial a number, you have a choice of seeing said number in a gigantic, ghastly typeface, or watching it moronically scribbled on parchment by an animated quill. I can't find an option to see it in small, uniform numbers. The whole thing is the visual equivalent of a moronic clip-art jumble sale poster designed in the dark by a myopic divorcee experiencing a freak biorhythmic high.

Worst of all, it seems to have an unmarked omnipresent shortcut to Orange's internet service, which means that whether you are confused by the menu, or the typeface, or the user- confounding buttons, you are never more than one click away from accidentally plunging into an overpriced galaxy of idiocy, which, rather than politely restricting itself to news headlines and train timetables, thunders "BUFF OR ROUGH? GET VOTING!" and starts hurling cameraphone snaps of "babes and hunks" in their underwear at you, presumably because some pin-brained coven of marketing gonks discovered the average Orange internet user was teenage and incredibly stupid, so they set about mercilessly tailoring all their "content" toward priapic halfwits, thereby assuring no one outside this slim demographic will ever use their gaudy, insulting service ever again.

And then they probably reached across the table and high-fived each other for skilfully delivering "targeted content" or something, even though what they should really have done, if there was any justice in the world, is smash the desk to pieces, select the longest wooden splinters they could find, then drive them firmly into their imbecilic, atrophied, world-wrecking rodent brains.
Ah, I feel much better now.