Saturday, February 18, 2006

Meet my little friend!

For all your iconic fun:Mohammed I mean who doesn't need a nice thumbnail of Mohammed? I've placed the frisky lad in my top bar, but there are clearly many uses.

Hey, hey it's Hollyweird!

Alec Baldwin superstar
Fourth banana to a talking train

Actually that's unfair to Hollywood, since Alec Baldwin's wide load hasn't been seen there much lately. It seems that he's keeping busy plucking his magic twanger over at the Huffington Compost and providing amusement for all and sundry. Ace swats the pest:
Alec Baldwin wrote this post during a break from his frantic schedule of not starring in movies.

This guy's biggest gig is appearing on Saturday Night Live every five weeks. The producers love him, because they know he doesn't bring any of that "project to promote" baggage with him.

The young readers may not remember, but at one time Alec Baldwin was actually an action star with enough heat to actually be considered a suitable actor for the role of James Bond. He was a two-fisted Hollywood tough-guy, smacking around everyone who got in his way. But enough about his marriage to Kim Bassinger.
He's got a million of them.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Today's Hoot!

Green Acres featuring Mohammed the pig

John Hawkins spots a contest over at Fark, that notorious den of Photoshoppers, with the theme: Sitcom situations for Mohammed. Many more like the above, but don't be drinking any liquids unless you want a new keyboard.

How to spice up your work environment!

The (UK) Register has some fun with Nurse attacks colleague with frozen fish:
A 55-year-old Tunbridge Wells nurse has been hauled before the Nursing and Midwifery Council's professional conduct committee in London for allegedly slapping a colleague with a frozen trout, the BBC reports.

The fish-assisted assault - after which the acccused reportedly said "give us a kiss" while moving the fish's mouth - is one of four charges of professional misconduct levelled at Patricia Jennings.
Sounds a little like a Benny Hill skit gone awry.
She's also accused of inappropriate conduct, viz: "Reaching inside their [colleagues'] uniforms, asking questions about their private lives, and putting sweet wrappers down a nurse's top.
It is a Benny Hill skit gone awry!
Now, we at El Reg normally wouldn't give this story shelf space, since frozen fish nurse attack stories are ten a penny, but the penultimate paragraph of the Beeb's report has a delicious, slightly surreal flavour:

Jamie Foster, for the Nursing and Midwifery Council, said Ms Jennings also lied about her training record, misled staff about the availability of beds on Ward 8, and bound a clerk's head and mouth with bandages while he was on the phone.
Never a dull moment when ole Pat is on the job.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Top 3 reasons why I couldn't be White House Press Secretary

3. The ladies and gentlemen of the press might take it amiss when I referred to them as "talking hairdos," "useless drones," and "hagfish."

2. Helen Thomas might get cranky when I told her to hump someone else's leg.

1. NBC's whiney pissant David Gregory might be upset when I jammed his head in a toilet and gave him a "swirly."

Too bad. I'm sure dealing with the spoiled brats would be a real eye opener.

News you can use!

Unlucky in love? Try Pherotones:
Those readers who are currently between romantic liasons and are having trouble kick-starting their love lives may be interested in a quite astounding scientific breakthrough which allows the humble mobile phone to become a potent weapon of lurv.

Yes indeed, hot from Denmark come Pherotones - powerfully aphrodisiac melodies described as "the ringtone secret that can make you irresistible to the opposite sex".
I'm a tad suspicious though, particularly after reading that
Pherotones were discovered by Myra Vanderhood, a world-traveled intimacy expert. Vanderhood studied human sexuality, sexual physiology and interpersonal psychology at the university level for over 12 years. During that time, Vanderhood also conducted rigorous fieldwork, observing and experiencing first hand the sexual practices of cultures around the world.
Dr. Myra Vanderhood is pleased to announce that she is awarding a “CITIZEN SCIENTIST” research grant in the amount of $6900.69. This grant will be bestowed upon the best documentation of video evidence that supports Dr. Vanderhood’s groundbreaking research.
Sample video here. Hmm, don't tell Hollywood or they'll make a movie out of that one.

Monday, February 13, 2006

More than I wanted to know!

Girl's Science Project May Make You Rethink That Drink Order:
Those ice-cold drinks from favorite fast food restaurants may not seem as refreshing after a seventh-grader's science project reveals what may lurk inside the cup.

Benito Middle School student Jasmine Roberts examined the amount of bacteria in ice served at fast food restaurants.
The 12-year-old compared the ice used in the drinks with the water from toilet bowls in the same restaurants. Jasmine said she found the results startling.

"I thought there might be a little bacteria in the ice, but I never expected it to be this much," she said. "And I never thought the toilet water would be cleaner."

Her discovery: Seventy percent of the time, the ice had more bacteria than the toilet water.
And you thought it was gross that your pooch wants to drink out of the toilet.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Fat prostitute Al Gore goes to Arabia for outcall

Fat prostitute Al Gore greets his latest customer

I guess Al Gore has run through the all bucks he got from his Chinese customers and isn't making too much from the Donk moneymen running Al TV, so he had to use his mouth for some Saudi Arabian swag.

Update: Michelle Malkin has a more measured discussion of Mr. Wideload.