Tuesday, November 16, 2004

You have issues? I have answers!

Lindsey K. Anderson, the music critic for the Michigan State University State News, regales us with Thank you, supporters of President Bush, for four years of tyranny:
I would like to thank the 51 percent of American voters who re-elected President Bush.

Thank you for putting a man back in office who favors rich, white men. His deep love for people like himself will push him to continue cutting taxes, and our nation's deficit will continue to expand wider than the average American's waistline.

[more bitter juvenile whining skipped]

I was at a conference in Nashville earlier this month, and one of the sessions was "Freedom Sings," a collaboration of musicians who played and sang about the First Amendment and songs that had, at times, been banned from radio air waves because of content or perceived content.
They sang Louie, Louie?
At the end, the Janis Joplin-esque woman of the group started to sing, "You're a Grand Old Flag."
She was a fat drunk?
If you're unfamiliar with the lyrics, they are as follows: "... And forever in peace may you wave. You're the emblem of/The land I love/The home of the free and the brave."
"Music critic" discovers George M. Cohan!
I couldn't sing along. In fact, I was short from bursting into tears.
So that explains her size!
This land is not free. This land is not peaceful. This land is led by a tyrant. And thank you, America, for voting him back into office.

Based on the unintentional irony, I'd guess ole Linsey is likely a music major too.

Now, while I can't help her out with any Dr. Schooler-style hypnotherapy, I think that despite that waistline crack, she really just needs some comfort food. How about this? Hardee's introduces new mega-calorie Monster Thickburger:

As many fast-food chains are catering to the health-conscious, Hardee's is introducing the biggest and thickest of its Thickburgers - one with enough calories to make Ronald McDonald blush.

The St. Louis-based chain on Monday rolled out its Monster Thickburger - two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. The sandwich alone sells for $5.49, $7.09 with fries and a soda.

Even a news release touted the Monster - at 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat_ as "a monument to decadence." Add fries and a soda and a single meal would involve more calories and fat than most people should get in a day.

"It's kind of like the burger everyone would like to get - but not the one you get all the time," said Brad Haley, vice president of marketing for Hardee's.
Why don't you wrap a lip lock on that, Lindsey? Here's a $1 off coupon to help.