Thursday, July 29, 2004

Here's a heart warming tale!

A mystery of interplanetary proportions has landed at the Democratic convention. The question that’s keeping trained political observers awake in the bars at night is: Who the heck snatched Teresa Heinz Kerry’s body? The woman I like to think of as “Mistress Shove It” — the Portuguese firecracker who spat the indelicate command to a journalist last weekend — has vanished into the Charles River. In her place has materialized a sonorous, facially expressionless, peace-sign-flashing, purposefully maternal zombie, who looks exactlylike the woman who wants to be first lady. You’d think Teresa’s crazy old aunt had taken up residence in her skin. The new Teresa body double calls herself “Mama T.” I kid you not.
The miracles of modern medication!
The woman formerly known as Teresa Heinz Kerry introduced her new self yesterday to a packed roomful of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered individuals and Ben Affleck.
Which category is Ben in?
She recalled talking with a 40-year-old gay man who approached her at a fund-raiser and said, “I’d like you to be my mom.”
Speaking in singsong, the alternate Teresa issued the crowd a group hug. “If nothing else, you will have a mom in the White House,” she said. “You can call on me any time.” She wouldn’t quit. “I guess if I can have one quality I can brag about, because it’s who I am, it’s that I like to nurture people. I like to enable. “All my godchildren and even some of my grown-up male friends, because they go to confession with me, call me ‘Mama T.’ ” Say who? As in that other, famous Mother also named Teresa? “Mama T or Dr. T,” Teresa II said. “Between a mom and a doctor - that’s the kind of person that I am. And I will always have an ear and I will always have a heart and I will always respect and want you to be loved.” And as she floated out the side door, came the inevitable chant:

“Mama T! Mama T! “Ma-Ma T!”
Sheesh, even kinkier!