BANK EXEC BUSTED FOR EXPOSING HIS ASSETS:
A JPMorgan Chase sales exec wore nothing but a condom when he jumped from behind a tree on a popular New Jersey biking and hiking trail - but he didn't realize the woman he'd exposed himself to was an off-duty police officer, authorities said yesterday.
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With his clothes tucked under his arm, Kelly - wearing just a condom - jumped in front of the off-duty female officer, who was jogging, authorities said.
She immediately pulled out a can of Mace and a cellphone, Honecker said. "She told him to halt and said, 'Don't come near me. I'm going to call the police,' " the prosecutor recounted.
Kelly put on his shorts and ran about 500 feet to his rented Ford Taurus, and the officer gave chase. The car's license plate was covered by a T-shirt, but the officer yanked it away and read the plate number to a dispatcher as Kelly sped off, Honecker said. Detectives traced the car back to the Hertz rental company, and after they began questioning Kelly's neighbors, his lawyer arranged his surrender.
That'll make you feel limp!
It's much ado about very little, insisted Kelly's lawyer, Brian Neary.
Undoubtedly a literal description of his "assets," but since he travels a lot, the cops are checking to see who else may have seen more of him than they wanted.
"The evidence will show him [Kelly] in the park and exposed but will not show that he had the intent to sexually assault this woman," Neary told reporters.
All dressed up and no place to go.
