Naughty Lurch!

Kerry's SUV habit fuels a `trust' gap

Now we've truly heard it all. Rising gas prices are the latest John Kerry campaign theme, so naturally the senator was asked this week about his personal vehicle usage.

Kerry insisted, ``I don't own an SUV.''

When pressed about a Chevrolet Suburban, the mother of all SUVs, kept at the Heinz Kerry abode in Idaho, Kerry said: ``The family has it. I don't have it.''

Kerry has now closed the distance between nuance and flat-out deception.

You mean "nuance" doesn't mean "lying through your teeth"? Who knew?

And that's without mentioning the other gas-guzzlers this candidate and his family enjoy, all the while posturing about reducing the nation's dependence on foreign oil and fuel efficiency.

At last count, there were eight ``family'' cars and SUVs, including the 1995 Suburban (15 mpg highway, 12 mpg city), a 1993 Land Rover Defender (12 mpg highway, 10 mpg city), a 1989 Jeep Cherokee (20 mpg highway, 16 mpg city), a 1994 Jeep Grand Cherokee (20 mpg highway, 15 mpg city), a 2001 Audi Allroad (21 mpg highway, 15 mpg city), a 2001 Chrysler PT Cruiser (25 mpg highway, 20 mpg city), a 1985 Dodge 600 Convertible (26 mpg highway, 23 mpg city), and a 2002 Chrysler 300M (26 mpg highway, 18 mpg city). Kerry, however, only owns up to the latter two.

Then there's the 2002 Harley Davidson (his), two powerboats (one his, one hers), a power inflatable 2001 Novurania (his), and a Gulfstream II private jet (hers).

President Kerry would have to open his own pipeline in Saudi Arabia just to meet family fuel demand.

Yeehaw! And you learn something new every day - there's a car with worse gas mileage than a Suburban.

Yet there he was yammering on to reporters Thursday about making a hybrid (powered by gas and electricity) his ``campaign car.''

Dang, the High Bogon Flux alarm just went off!

It's probably not politically correct to refer to the senator as the head of the Heinz Kerry family.

Probably not accurate either.

But last we checked, he is a part of it, no? Kerry's prevarication is trivial in the context of terrorism, the war in Iraq, the economy and all the serious issues this country - and its next president - will confront.

But if voters can't trust John Kerry to play it straight on the little things, how can they trust him on the big things?

Bzzzt, thanks for playing, Lurch!