Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Obama speech leaked - formally becomes Muslim again!

Looks like Barack Hussein Obama's speech to "the Muslim World" is going to be a real shocker - here's a leaked copy:

(put on fez)


Salaam Alaikum, brothers!

(wait for gasps, applause)

It gives me great pleasure to be here today in Cairo to offer my personal greetings to the faithful followers of Mohammed around the world and to let you know of a great change in my life.

(wait for murmurs)

When I started my presidential campaign I was a follower of a splinter Christian sect, but was not really happy there and left it. As I gave the matter more thought, I realized that my only true spiritual satisfaction was in my youth as a young Muslim worshipping at the mosque and attending lessons at the madrassa. After consulting with my good friend King Abdullah, Guardian of Mecca and Medina, I soon realized that I needed to formally return to the faith of my fathers as it was the only true path. Therefore today I am announcing that I have returned to the one true faith revealed by Mohammed and illuminated by Muhammad ibn Abd-al-Wahhab.

(wait for gasps, applause, standing ovation)

I know that this will necessarily require tremendous changes for me, the country which I rule, and for the world and I wanted to share them with you.

First, my first wife Michelle will adopt the burqa ....


(wait for standing ovation)

and return with her mother and our children to Chicago where she will supervise the construction of harem quarters at my palace in Hyde Park.

(wait for gasps and giggles)

Second, Sherif Joe Biden will gain the additional titles of Grand Eunuch and Guardian of the Harem and arrange for the construction of a harem wing to the White House Palace in Washington, DC which he will oversee when it is complete.

Third, soon to occupy the White House Harem will be my second and third wives whom I will marry shortly:

(show picture, wait for gasps, applause, whistles)


My second wife will be Sizzlean X, a Chicago Muslim of devout family  recommended to me by my good friend Supreme Minister and National Representative of the Nation of Islam, Louis Farrakhan.

(show picture, wait for gasps, applause, whistles)


My third wife will be Fatima Ahmenijhad, a niece of  another good friend, President: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran.

(As appropriate interject "She sure got all the looks in that family!")

My good friend King Abdullah is negotiating for a fourth wife from a prominent Palestinian family, but the bride price seems to be a Muslim country currently occupied by some noisy Jews so it may take a while to do a deal.


(wait for boos, catcalls, curses to subside)

However, I am working on it and when it is done the harem will be full up except for the concubines requisite for a man of my exalted position.

(wait for cheers, laughter)

And speaking of my position, I have asked my supporters in Congress to recognize my new faith by changing the title of my office to Sultan as is only appropriate. There will be a host of further actions including aggressive stimulus funding for a building program that will put an endowed mosque in every city above 10,000 in population in the USA as well as a national mosque and shrine to me in Washington DC.


(wait for applause)

This will shortly be followed by sharia law, national dress codes for women and a prohibition on the consumption of alcohol and pork, not to mention the stoning of homosexuals. Also, we will solve the banking and budget deficit crises by banning interest on loans. Even the most recalcitrant of US citizens will soon realize that everything goes better with the Religion of Peace ... one way or another.

(wait for laughter)

The USA is already one of the largest Muslim countries in the world and with these actions, and under my rule will soon become the largest and greatest Defender of the Faith. At which point, I trust, hope, and pray that you will acclaim me as the first Caliph of the Obamayyad Dynasty.

(wait for gasps, then wild applause, standing ovation)