Monday, May 02, 2005

Morbidly obese, "mentally challenged" and obnoxious - yep, that's Rosie!

John Robertson:
I'm sending this to all my discerning friends.

There is a very special movie on television tonight. Please make time for it in your schedule.

Rosie O'Donnell costars with Andie McDowell in a CBS Hallmark presentation of "Riding the Bus With My Sister," the story of a fat-ass retard who is so effing obnoxious you want to shoot her in the back of the head, but political correctness demands that we air stories where we find value, and learn lessons from, people we wouldn't want carrying our morning paper in from the curb. Perhaps you have seen the promos on TV the last few days. Rosie, who apparently took the role because it would require her to gain weight, does a blank-eyed stare and speaks in a honking voice that seems to issue from both the top of her septum and the bottom of her throat at the same time. It sounds like a dying sea lion, but without the dignity. She also waddles down the street like a walrus, great gobs of flesh pounding the concrete sidewalk shores as she moves (and showing impressions where she passed?). Andie McDowell, the beautiful normal sister, in a closeup in the promo, tries to show concern for this literal albatross of a sister she can't get away from (I don't know the story, but I think it's about the Andie character trying to flee this piece of family crap, and the Rosie character hijacks buses and chases her down, so there's no escape; apparently she needs a bus because no other vehicle will hold her), but Andie's eyes betray her: They shout, What the hell am I doing in this turd, trying to look like I care?! Apparently O'Donnell took the role not only because it was "important," but because playing a fat-ass retard didn't require her to stretch at all. The lighting looks flat, the dialogue sounds stilted...the special moments are going to gag 90% percent of the audience (if they hang in there long enough to see them), and make the other 10% feel really,, really, really sensitive to the...uh, plight of these people with very special needs.

The only people who come off looking good are the millions of truly impaired/special needs people, who have never once been portrayed accurately in either a feature or a television movie. Actors take these parts because they need to rehabilitate or get an award nomination, or both. Rosie WILL get awards nominations for her "courageous" portrayal of an incredibly fat woman with an annoying voice. Some of the noms will garner actual awards, and she will land on the cover of one or more of the weeklies, and the headline will run something along the lines of, "Rosie's Back!"

Thank you, CBS, for airing one version or another of the same movie for four decades.
The Defamer - Another One Rides The Bus:
This article got us lost in one of our favorite fantasies: the pitch meeting that spawned the project. “Okay, it’s like The Other Sister, but without any of the production values. Movie of the Week, baby. Throw it on CBS, their audience is so old they’ll think it’s Rosie’s old talk show doing a remote from a bus. Is Rosie actually retarded? No? F*ck yeah. It’s got Emmy scribbled all over its ass!”
Just dang! Ace live-blogged it!

And did you know that Rosie has a blog? (Hat tip: SondraK.) The drivel she posts ("peace out stranger friends") is bad enough, but they have turned on comments so her fans can gush over the movie. Too bad they're moderated.

Update: SondraK has some of the choicer comments. I like the one who started emulating Rosie's character.