Wednesday, August 11, 2004

That explains it!

Kerry's Teleportation Revelation Shocks World

In stunning announcement, candidate blows lid off top secret Pentagon project

By V.K. Bestertester, Staff Writer

FRESNO, CA — In a shocking revelation, John Kerry exposed a decades-old Department of Defense secret: Matter teleportation devices have been in use by the US Navy since at least 1968.

Above: Kerry Shown Entering Teleporter

"The Navy sent me on a top-secret mission into Cambodia using one of these thingys." Kerry revealed. "They wanted to slip me and some Special Forces guys across the border without anyone, even my shipmates, knowing about it. So, they brought this device out on to the river on Christmas Eve 1968. We were anchored about 50 miles from the Cambodian border at the time. I was ordered to go the the roof of my Swift Boat with my hookah, er, tape recorder and just close my eyes. Next thing I know, there's a buzzing sound and poof! I was in Cambodia."

The specifics, design, even the outward appearance of the device is unclear to Kerry. "It was awfully dark out there, and I couldn't see much. The spooks explained this needed to done under cover so nobody would be able to verify the story. Nixon wanted this kept hush-hush, and even though he wasn't president yet, he exerted real influence over the Military Industrial Complex. The place they sent us must've been pretty hot, because the moment I materialized, we began taking fire from the Vietnamese and Khmer Rouge and Cambodians. Sure enough, Nixon denied I was there."
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