According to the Spanish newspaper El Pais, Cuban doctors have performed a number of experimental ass treatments on the 79-year old president-for-life since he first fell ill in July 2006. These treatments have reportedly included cork blockage, cork removal, high-pressure steam cleaning, violent stomach-punches from the Cuban national boxing team, Santaria chicken sacrifice, and mandatory public anti-constipation rallies.
Seeking to reassure citizens that El Jefe remained in control, a photo in Havana's official newspaper last week showed him relaxing and chatting with visiting Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez while receiving a colonoscopy. This appeared to be administered via an auger bit attached to the rear axle of a 1953 Plymouth.
However, the latest US intellegence reports indicate that these measures have been thusfar unsuccessful, and that Castro faces an uncertain prognosis.
"Unfortunately, it appears he remains totally full of shit," said Dr. Gregory Shaw, chairman of the Johns Hopkins University Department of Gastroenterology.
"Normally this diagnosis would indicate the need for an immediate colostomy, but this is an extremely tricky case," said Shaw. "It's nearly impossible to determine where the Castro ends and the asshole begins."
Reminds me of the old joke about the three farmers trying to win the state fair prize for largest hog. Of course in this case the punch line would be, "The last thing I remember is the look on Hugo Chavez's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."