"I want to look like John Kerry"

Michael Kane from the NY Post isn't early for Halloween, he just wants a tan:

"I saw that photo," said staffer Iris Elton.

She said she wasn't sure they could pull off a pumpkin-orange glow - "but we can make you look really dark," she said.

"How long do you think that would take?"

Elton thought it over.

"Six seconds," she said. "That's for the full-body Instant Tan, which will last about four days."

Sold.

I paid $30 for the three-step tan job (plus 46 cents for an optional pair of paper booties).

First, you get sprayed with dihydroxyacetone (DHB), which is FDA-approved and not as evil as it sounds. Basically, it dyes the top layer of skin.

I was told to get in the shower, where your whole body gets sprayed.

"So," I awkwardly asked Iris, "what do you wear, you know, in that area?"

Luckily, a male staffer intervened.

"You could go in the buff," he said. "A lot of guys do that."

I took a pass on the underspray.

"Or we could give you another bootie," he said.

Funny. I opted to wear my boxers.

And he ended up with a pair of "bronze shorts." You also have to rub the stuff around before it dries, otherwise you get "streaks." Frankly, it seems pretty bizarre, but I suppose it's a mere trifle compared to having botulism toxin (Botox) injected into your face to paralyze wrinkle causing muscles.