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Saturday, July 31, 2004 The perils of hanging with the little people In addition to meeting real soldiers, you have to forgo escargot for "little people cuisine": Edwards and his wife had hearty meals of burgers and fries and shared a chocolate Frosty. Teresa Heinz Kerry pointed at a picture of chili on the menu and asked the cashier what it was before ordering a bowl. Her husband had the same, along with a Frosty.But a few hours later he regretted it, as did the crowd: 
Work Related Accident Alert! (Via Florida Cracker and Son of Nixon) The Boston Herald had a round-up of Boston Donkfest protestor news including this gem: On Tuesday, police found another teen near the "protest pen"' carrying a balloon filled with urine. The balloon burst on the teen when he was approached by police and the teen was not arrested.Bummer!
Patron of the Arts Alert! I've always regarded Carole King's "singing" as something that would be swell to slit your wrists by and avoid it like the plague. It's kind of tough though - she's been around since before dirt was invented and has a certain popularity among the weepy set. Anyhow, I was amused (but not surprised) that they wheeled her out to entertain the Kool-Aid drinkers at the Donkfest. Ryne McLaren points out another reason not to be surprised: Has been Carole King sang before last night's nominating speech. She also likes to sing for Castro, that filthy old celebrity of the American left.And speaking of the Old Thug: Fahrenheit 9/11 plays on state-run Cuban television.You know, if they could, they'd run on a platform of inviting Fidel to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom.
Friday, July 30, 2004 More Gerbil News! Allah has the snap and Jeff Goldstein, a poetic tribute. Which reminds me - Ben Affleck Banging Kerry Girls? [Listening to: Sharp Dressed Man - ZZ Top - Eliminator (04:18)]
Rip Van Kerry! Viking Pundit rounds up all the folks that wonder where the beamish boy has been in all the years since his 16 weeks in Vietnam. Here's an excerpt: For those of us with normal memories, it’s somewhat more difficult to remember if John Kerry did anything else:And hopping over there:Then, after this long rendition of his childhood, he tells us at length what it was like to serve in Vietnam for the four months that he was there. So far, so good.... So let's review how often he mentioned things he did in his life, and tell us what's missing:The last item about POW's, of course, depends on how you define "working." Hey, c'mon! Being a gigolo is a full time job!
I thought his act was sort of familiar!  But not as funny. Other riffs: Allah, American RealPolitik. Update 2: Joe's Blog,
Thursday, July 29, 2004 Woohoo! It's a "war hero!" John Kerry Storms Boston: As Wagner's "Ride of the Valkries" blared over loudspeakers, the water taxi carrying the decorated John Kerry jetted across Boston Harbor in a dramatic reinactment of his .25 years as a Navy swift boat captain in Vietnam. Just like in the old days, Kerry took the wheel while his loyal boatmates, now gray and weathered by the sands of time, vigilantly manned the boat's specially rigged water cannons. The tall, chiseled Kerry barked an order and the crew opened fire toward a couple of startled winos on the shore, who angrily tossed an empty bottle of Thunderbird in retalliation, nicking Kerry's arm.More by following the link. Which brings to mind a puzzle. What did Lurch do between spending 16 weeks in Vietnam and running for President? He never mentions it.
Some things you just can't make up! Text of Speech by Alexandra Kerry: Our overzealous golden retriever got tangled in his leash and knocked the hamster cage off the dock. We watched as Licorice, the unlucky hamster bubbled down to a watery doom. That might have been the end of the story. But my dad jumped in, grabbed an oar, fished the cage from the water, hunched over the soggy hamster and began to administer CPR. There were some reports of mouth-to-mouth, but, I admit that's probably a trick of memory. He was never quite right after that, but Licorice lived. Like I said, it may sound silly."He was never quite right after that" presumably refers to Licorice. Surprisingly, Alexandra's not the blonde one. She's the brunette of the see-through dress. And Patrick Belton at OxBlog: GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING FOR REP. PELOSI'S SPEECH: Parents, don't let your children grow up to have too many facelifts. If so, they'll run a risk of ending up with a perpetually surprised expression and an odd voice usually found in Disney films, and will have to seek refuge in odd coastal enclaves where the natives are surprisingly tolerant of such things.
More Lurch family values Kerrys raced to dump foreign stocks: John Kerry's family dumped millions of dollars of foreign holdings as he launched his White House bid, gobbling up Made in the USA stocks in a huge politically savvy international-to-domestic shift.No Benedict Arnolds around here! Meanwhile, the family shows how they can pinch a penny until it squeals! From the infamous Sh*tty Tipper Database at BitterWaitress.com: Tipper's Name: John KerryThe little people are so ungrateful! Don't they know who he is? Actually, there are 3 more entries for old Lurch, and some aren't quite so bad: Total bill / Tip amount / Percentage: $110.00 / $5.00 / 4%
This land ain't your land! A Jibjab showdown: Bush-Kerry parody draws the ire of the music publisher that owns the Guthrie song : NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - With something as fun as a cartoon Bush and Kerry hurling musical epithets at one another, you knew lawyers would have to get involved.Unifying message? I thought it was the leftoid national anthem. Seems right unsharing of these folks. More by following the link.
It's that "war hero" guy again Rapmaster Rodger over at SondraK's has the photo! Kerry apparently complained that it wasn't a "sexy" boat he'd be traveling on and asked about something a bit more "manly."Yikes, maybe Barbara Ehrenreich is right! Meanwhile from the same article: By far, the most upbeat moments came with the Obama keynote, but much of that momentum, from the DNC's viewpoint, was killed by the speech of Teresa Heinz Kerry. "Believe me, that was not a speech any of us wanted," says the DNC-er. "If people thought Bill and Hillary were a package deal, they have no idea what they are getting with John and Teresa."Here's a thought, goobers: gigolo.
I'm so excited! Home movies! I don't know about you, but I'm just in a tizzy that Lurch is going to show home movies tonight from when he was a "war hero." I sure hope he wears his full dress uniform! 
Small town boy makes good! Here's a warm hearted story from Boston (scroll down): Newly minted multimillionaire Bill Clinton is apparently making the most of his Bush tax cut. The ex-President strolled into the Alpha Omega jewelry store in Harvard Square Tuesday afternoon and, Lowdown hears, plunked down $10,000 for a stunning diamond necklace - and $20,000 more for a whole bunch of other baubles. Lowdown hears that Clinton couldn't resist chatting up fellow shoppers about the nuances of, oh, U.S. policy on Syria and Turkey. "I love Istanbul," he announced. "I've never had a bad time there." The mind reels. Two hours later and $30,000 lighter, Bill finally left the store with an armful of bags and greeted a mob of fans outside. Asked yesterday if she has seen the necklace, Hillary muttered: "I'm not going to talk to you about that," and walked away.Ruh oh!
Weasels in sheep's clothing, because you don't want to scare the little people Ann Coulter has a column, Dems' new slogan: No teacher left behind, at WND that is chock full of the usual gems: To thunderous applause here in the American Taliban, billionaire Teresa Heinz Kerry said she looks forward to a day when "women who have earned the right to be opinionated will be called smart and informed – just as men are."But she raises something that has been puzzling me about the Donkfest - when was the last time an American political party has gone so far out of its way to pretend to be something it quite clearly isn't? Despite colossal efforts by the Democrats to fake out Americans and pretend the Democrats are normal Americans who love their country, every once in a while they make a mistake and give us a "tell." The Democrats have carefully studied Americans, observed their habits and expressions, so you would think for five days the Democrats could pull off a passable impression.Of course, the primo example is lardass millionaire Michael Moore: This week, Moore was boasting about how well-received he was by the Democrats in Boston – evidenced by his yukking it up in a sky box with former president Jimmy Carter. He has been hugged by DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe and praised by impeached former president Bill Clinton.Hey, for Lurch's big aquatic entrance to Boston yesterday he managed to dredge up a few old comrades from his brief drive-by of Vietnam who could tolerate being within arms reach of him. Noticeably absent were the other "old comrades" from the Vietnam Veterans Against the War - you know, the phony veterans, tedious leftoid apparatchiks, and would-be revolutionary hitmen. No room on the boat for Jane Fonda either, I guess.
Don't forget to add some for handling because the Donks love to handle it! Fattest Cat: Democrat’s Biggest Money Man Has Mob Connections: As Sens. John Kerry and John Edwards arrived in Boston today for the Democratic National Convention, so did the California man who is their single biggest contributor.How cool is that? I guess the Donks really are the party of diversity!
Today's Hoot! (But it's early yet) Howie Carr in the Boston Herald: The occupation ends this evening, and it can't come a moment too soon.More by following the link.
Here's a heart warming tale! WACKY WIFE HAS BECOME ‘MOTHER’ TERESA: A mystery of interplanetary proportions has landed at the Democratic convention. The question that’s keeping trained political observers awake in the bars at night is: Who the heck snatched Teresa Heinz Kerry’s body? The woman I like to think of as “Mistress Shove It” — the Portuguese firecracker who spat the indelicate command to a journalist last weekend — has vanished into the Charles River. In her place has materialized a sonorous, facially expressionless, peace-sign-flashing, purposefully maternal zombie, who looks exactlylike the woman who wants to be first lady. You’d think Teresa’s crazy old aunt had taken up residence in her skin. The new Teresa body double calls herself “Mama T.” I kid you not.The miracles of modern medication! The woman formerly known as Teresa Heinz Kerry introduced her new self yesterday to a packed roomful of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered individuals and Ben Affleck.Which category is Ben in? She recalled talking with a 40-year-old gay man who approached her at a fund-raiser and said, “I’d like you to be my mom.”Kinky! Speaking in singsong, the alternate Teresa issued the crowd a group hug. “If nothing else, you will have a mom in the White House,” she said. “You can call on me any time.” She wouldn’t quit. “I guess if I can have one quality I can brag about, because it’s who I am, it’s that I like to nurture people. I like to enable. “All my godchildren and even some of my grown-up male friends, because they go to confession with me, call me ‘Mama T.’ ” Say who? As in that other, famous Mother also named Teresa? “Mama T or Dr. T,” Teresa II said. “Between a mom and a doctor - that’s the kind of person that I am. And I will always have an ear and I will always have a heart and I will always respect and want you to be loved.” And as she floated out the side door, came the inevitable chant:Sheesh, even kinkier!
Wednesday, July 28, 2004 That Lurch! Always thinking ahead! Lots of soldiers took pictures in Vietnam, but how many do you figure bought a movie camera and re-enacted their big "exploits." Not too many right? But not too many are compulsive resume padders like Lurch. Still, you have to give the lad credit for prescience - who else would have known to do it in a bunny suit? 
Cognitive Dissonance Alert! Feminist Criticizes Kerry's 'Butch' Image : Feminist author Barbara Ehrenreich was jeered at Tuesday's liberal "Take Back America" rally when she suggested that Democrat nominees John Kerry and John Edwards had become too "butch" for their own good.Woohoo! I must have missed it! And taking another big hit off the bong: If she had her way, Ehrenreich said, feminism would be used to combat enemies of the United States. She said Kerry should adopt her philosophy.Let's air drop her over Tehran! Sadly, she has another gig - columnist for the New York Times. Figures, doesn't it?
It just gets better  How could you, Bubble Boy?: Humorist Andy Borowitz insisted last week that officials had found Osama bin Laden in the pants of Sandy Berger, Clinton security czar.The guy's a laugh riot!
Dumpster Diving Alert! Steve found the first draft of Teresa's convention speech. She's not just another unwrinkled face!
It must be that Oriental wisdom stuff! The Gweilo provides Sex, Violence, and Things: John Kerry to ABC news anchor Peter Jennings:I will stand up and struggle, as others have, to try to get that right balance between violence, and sex, and things.In my own personal struggle, I find that the proper balance tilts heavily in favour of sex, then things, with violence being greatly underweighted. On the other hand, judging by his marriage to Theresa, I'm betting that John is more of a "things" kinda guy.
Whew! That's pretty bad! The Commissar has some fun with the "pros" running CNN's Convention Blog: Bloggers: Resistance is Futile.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004 I knew Lurch was a poster child for something!  Hey, shouldn't that have a biohazard sticker? Update: Steve H. has a self-created collection. All of mine are borrowed except this last one.
Glub, glub! The Boston Herald dug up some old quotations from Teresa about the odious Ted Kennedy which were good for a few laughs. But here's the best part: Kennedy's office dismissed the comments as water under the bridge and said the two get along famously now - regardless of what Heinz Kerry has said in the past.Tell me again about Ted's dog, Splash.
It just gets better I don't know if you noticed, but Family Circle magazine has been having a "2004 Election Cookie Cook-Off" between Laura Bush's Oatmeal-Chocolate Chunk Cookies and Teresa Heinz Kerry's Pumpkin Spice Cookies. The "toothsome Teresa" entry:  I didn't pay much attention since I'm on the eating side of cookie production and it seemed to be yet another dubious web poll, but it got a lot of press. Anyhow, Zsa Zsa gave an interview to NPR today and lo and behold: Mrs. HEINZ KERRY: Pumpkin spice cookies?The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy does cookies now? Bwahahaha!
While we're on the topic There's always this from a French news agency no less:  And in similar news: July 27, 2004 -- MONICA Lewinsky celebrating her 31st birthday at Serendipity 3 with her aunt, Debra Finerman. Monica ordered a foot-long hot dog and gasped, "Oh my God!" when the waiter placed the giant tube steak in front of her . . .
It had to happen  From the folks at Counter Punch via FR. More by following the link. Which reminds me - does he look more like a Woody Allen sperm or an Oompa Loompa? UPDATE: Allah points out another possibility.
Well, it's been a big snoozer so far But here's a flash - Kucinich Releases Delegates!  I wonder what ole Grandfather Twilight's going to do?
"See, no wingnuts here!" In the big kickoff at Donkfest 2004, the theme is that despite what you may have thought, the party really isn't filled with barking moonbats that might frighten the benighted "little people". No direct Bush bashing and no gay marriage. (Where's Andrew Sullivan when they need him?) There are already some complaints about broadcasters not appreciating the full glory of the event in order to keep viewers awake. Howie Kurtz seems to blame it all on Fox. Al Gore was on his medication and even whimsical according to Jonathan Last in DNC Day 1: An Evening of Losers: Gore is supposedly one of the two "untouchables" this week--speakers who are allowed to say as many mean things about George W. Bush as they want. As such, there's some excitement about his remarks tonight, with many Republicans hoping he'll give a repeat performance of some of his recent, crazed harangues.The crowd favorite was Her Heinous who revealed "MY HUBBY TAUGHT YOU HOW TO WIN" and Bubba himself provided a predictable content-free whine that didn't mention President Bush by name. Probably the best speaker, Bubba again showed why former Sentor Bob Kerrey considered him an "unusually good liar". But even Bubba seemed curiously out of it earlier in the day: Where Hillary was radiant, smiling, coyly batting away questions about her presidential hopes, Bill appeared thinner than I've ever seen him and introspective, bordering on morose.The only fecal matter in the punch bowl was Jimmy Carter who for some inexplicable reason was allowed to speak. I guess it's because most people under 40 never got to vote on whether the nation could survive another term for peanut brain. The Donks, who have adopted his crack brain policies wholesale, apparently hoped the rest of us had forgotten. Not a chance. Anyhow, he went off on a protracted rant: But when Carter wasn't being unintentionally self-satirical, he was being his old squalid self. Never mentioning Bush by name but making obvious inferences is vintage Carter. Recall how he would call attention to Chappaquiddick in 1980 by saying "I never panicked in a crisis." His low point in last night's speech was accusing "the current administration" of fostering "public panic." Carter no doubt prefers Americans to approach terrorism with malaise instead. He began his speech recalling his 1976 theme of giving us "a government as good as the people," forgetting that one reason the people decisively rejected him four years later was because he had come around to saying the people were no good.Ah yes, it brings back fond memories. And from Jonathan Last again: At times, Carter veers into intellectual incoherence. He charges that "the Middle East peace process has come to a screeching halt for the first time since Israel became a nation." This is true, of course. Except that the screeching halt occurred on Bill Clinton's watch, with the dissolution of the Oslo Accords.That the "peace process" has been going on for more than 50 years doesn't seem to trouble him. Carter also performs a neat bit of revisionist history, explaining that America won the Cold War because of "sustained bipartisan support" for "the defense of our own freedom and the promotion of human rights." Never mind that this sustained support was often not bipartisan and that Carter himself was nearly always on the wrong side of it. No, the stunning thing is that the former president is holding up the duty to promote human rights as an argument against the war in Iraq.Sheesh, why go on. Hopefully, Crazy Uncle Dimmy will get sent back to his attic room now that the family reunion is over.
Monday, July 26, 2004 Danger, Will Robinson! Click here at your own risk! But here's a hint: Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., is embraced by Sen. Robert Byrd, D-W.Va., at a bookstore in New York where he was promoting his new book 'Losing America: Confronting a Reckless and Arrogant Presidency,' Monday, July 26, 2004. Just hours before Clinton was to speak at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, she introduced Byrd as her 'mentor' and told the audience that he has been a champion of the U.S. Constitution.Maybe ole KKK Byrd told her where to buy sheets?
Banned in Boston! Human Events has the Ann Coulter convention column that USA Today refused - complete with editorial comments from the USA Today weenies: Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston, conservatives are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones wearing crosses or American flags. The people sporting shirts emblazoned with the "F-word" are my opponents. Also, as always, the pretty girls and cops are on my side, most of them barely able to conceal their eye-rolling.I can see why there was a problem. Apparently, the nuts at the Democratic National Convention are going to be put in cages outside the convention hall. Sadly, they won't be fighting to the death as is done in WWE caged matches. They're calling this the "protestor's area," although I suppose a better name would be the "truth-free zone".Apparently they have the ringer turned off on the clue phone in USA Today's offices. But then we knew that.
Usual Suspects Offer Props to Zsa Zsa: "You go, girl!" Lurch and her Heinous have weighed in to support Teresa: Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry doesn't have a problem with his wife telling an insistent journalist to "shove it" when urged to explain her plea for more civility in politics. Neither does Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.Next Zsa Zsa sighting expected on Tuesday when she addresses the convention. In the meantime, below is my own contribution to civility. Hey, I'm just turning "back some of the creeping, un-Pennsylvanian and sometimes un-American traits that are coming into some of our politics." 
Lurch Family Values  Lurch pulled a big "surprise" and decided to show that he was "just folks" by attending the Red Sox-Yankees game in Boston: Democrat John Kerry swooped into Boston last night on a stealth mission on the eve of his convention — saying he couldn't bear to miss the climactic game in the Yankees-Red Sox blood feud at Fenway Park.Yep - it sure was spontaneous: The appearance was supposed to be a surprise, but Kerry couldn't help touting the event to reporters on the plane from Ohio.Some wags have suggested that ole Lurch watches more Sox games than he attends Senate sessions. But wait, there's more! All of Lurch's expertise at "extreme sports" and wardrobe assembly didn't help him much when it came to baseball (from the first link): Kerry's pitch, caught by a Massachusetts National Guardsman who had recently returned from Iraq, was in the dirt.And he tossed it from only half way to the mound. The Freepers (from whom the above snap was taken) were having lots of laughs with the whole thing. My favorite part - the National Guardsman got to sit next to Lurch for the 1st inning and then disappeared so Lurch could schmooze with the glitteratti like perky Katie Couric and Tim Russert. Who loves ya, Baby?  And saving the best for last, wingnut Teresa topped off a speech calling for civility in politics by criticizing "un-American" behavior. When a reporter asked her about it, she first claimed she didn't say it and then told him to "shove it". Cut to the videotape. Presumably they'll have her medicated before she speaks at the convention, but isn't her Zsa Zsa accent kinda cute?
Sunday, July 25, 2004 All work and no play ... Not likely when the Donks are in town - Some like it hot: Babe emporiums gear up for delegates: It's the eve of D-Cup Day. The groundwork has been laid: extra ads, more supervixen staff, full humidors, limos on call.Break out the party hats! And order a waitress sandwich. But wait, there's more! Prostitutes converge on Democrat convention (no, they aren't being ironic): Practitioners of the world's oldest profession are seeking reinforcements to help service some of the 35,000 visitors – plus untold numbers of police reinforcements – expected in the coming week when Democrats name Sen. John Kerry their presidential candidate.Ruh Oh! Sounds like a budget buster for the "poor and downtrodden." But not all the locals are so enthusiastic - 'NO-SHOW JOHN' BURNS BEANTOWN: Every day last week, the already- dark mood of his hometown grew surlier, as the extent of the convention's massive disruptions of daily life became ever more apparent. But the man who would lead the Free World essentially went MIA.Sounds like the canonical Lurch experience. Much more on the hassles the "little people" will be putting up with by following the link. When Boston was awarded the convention 18 months ago, amid great fanfare and excitement, it was pointed out that the Hub had never hosted such an event before. After this week, it never will again — at least if the people of the city have anything to say about it.Indeed.
Hmmm, the Flying Monkeys got the talking points Here's the press release - Kerry and Edwards Highlight Optimistic Plan to Build a Stronger America on Day Two of Journey to Boston. There are lots of laughs there including Lurch's prevously unknown fondness for the Lewis and Clark expedition. And here are the Flying Monkeys: With Lewis and Clark: Knight Ridder - Kerry pushes optimism in IowaWithout Lewis and Clark:The site, near where explorers Lewis and Clark stopped on the way west in 1804, holds special meaning for Kerry, who has often invoked the history of the trailblazing Army expedition as a metaphor during his campaign.Washington Post - Democrats Take Optimistic Message to Iowa, WisconsinSteps from the Missouri River, Kerry talked of the adventuresome spirit of explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark and the need for ordinary Americans to join in a larger cause to "take back our Democracy." I like my puff pieces better with Lewis and Clark, but where's Sacajawea? Ooops, she overlooked the talking points: Optimism was supposed to be on display yesterday as Sen. John Kerry returned to the state that gave him a key caucus win — but someone forgot to give Teresa Heinz Kerry the positive message.Makes no sense either. Maybe it would work better if she just had the servants give her speeches?
Think of him as the Big Watermelon Check out Brendan O'Connor in the Sunday Independent of Ireland whose annoying free registration should not dissuade you from My name Big Watermelon. I like China. This girl Monica very fat: TRADING with foreigners has always been riddled with potential Lost in Translation moments. There are apocryphal stories told at business school about how, for example, the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" when translated for Taiwan, actually meant "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead".The "Big Watermelon!" I think these folks are on to something!
And speaking of PortaCrappers Is the New York Times a leftwing rag? Yup. Or as Paul observes at WizBang: NY Times to Conservatives: F- You. Well, I for one, am shocked at the news! Not that they are the official fish wrap of leftoid moonbats, but that they admitted it.
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