Well dream no more, friend, because today I am going to let you in on one of the great secrets of American business (and the mainstream media): The Harry Reid Do-Nothing Miracle Investment System! Through this system, you can sit back and watch the cash roll in from questionable desert real estate investments with the sort of reliability that only government can provide. The system is as simple as it is hidden through shell corporations, nepotism and political contributions. Yes, there are just three easy steps to mogul-like millions in Las Vegas real estate:
1. Find a parcel of land made undesirable by government environmental regulation, utility leases, or simple pesky zoning! 2. Hire a Reid, invest with a Reid, contribute to a Reid, but above all, know a Reid! 3. Be patient while Sen. Harry “Papa” Reid does NOTHING UNUSUAL on your behalf and watch those government barriers to wealth melt away!
Got a stupid endangered tortoise on your worthless land? Let Harry Reid show the BLM a real “shell game” as that value-killing protected habitat is inexplicably moved miles away!
Want to build a primo strip mall in a residential area? Just have a “Casino Lawyer” drop Papa Reid’s name like a severed horse’s head into the silk sheets of local government. Bada-bing! The zoning changes almost as fast as the value of the land!
Bought thousands of acres of land ruined by a pre-existing government power line lease? Just pick up your personal “power line” to Harry Reid and watch with glee as he does NOT use his influence to push a special bill through Congress. ZAP! The federal right-of-way is moved right out of your way … instant millions!
It has been brought to our attention that we have failed to cast our usual withering scorn on the news that Reuters has assigned a full-time reporter to Second Life, the alternative universe in which people can live out their dreams of being a furry penis.
Or something like that. Perhaps we misunderstood.
We do like to keep you happy, and as you know would ordinarily leap upon something like this and tear small strips from it with our vulturey beaks.
But, gentle readers, some things are beyond parody.
Heck, it probably beats the usual al-Reuters gig of being embedded with Islamic terrorists.
posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 11:56 AM -
"It is a sort of disease when you consider yourself some kind of god, the creator of everything, but I feel comfortable about it now since I began to live it out."
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