A big movie deserves a sequel!

Brokeback Mecca. That's where the does are relieved and the bucks are nervous!

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 9:06 PM -

 
I'm in the money!

Via email:

This mail may not be surprising to you if you have been following current events in the international media with reference to the Middle East and Palestine in particular.
I am Mrs. SUHA ARAFAT, the wife of YASSER ARAFAT, the Palestinian
leader who died recently in Paris. Since his death and even prior to the announcement, I have been thrown into a state of antagonism, confusion, humiliation, frustration and hopelessness by the present leadership of the Palestinian Liberation Organization and the new Prime Minister. I have even been subjected to physical and psychological torture. As a widow that is so traumatized, I have lost confidence with everybody in the country at the moment.

Poor baby! That's probably not as bad as being kissed by Hillary, but tell me more!

You must have heard over the media reports and the Internet on the discovery of some fund in my husband secret bank account and companies and the allegations of some huge sums of money deposited by my husband in my name of which I have refuses to disclose or give up to the corrupt Palestine Government. In fact the total sum allegedly discovered by the Government so far is in the tune of about $6.5 Billion Dollars. And they are not relenting on their effort to make me poor for life.

That's just awful. You sure deserve something for putting up with ole Fishface for all those years!

As you know, the Moslem community has no regards for woman, hence my desire for a foreign assistance. You can
visit the BBC news broadcast below for better understanding of what I am talking about;
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3479937.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3995769.stm

Dang, they sure are mean to someone who looks just like Boy George! What can I do to help, "little" lady?

I have deposited the sum of 20 million dollars with a private security firm abroad whose name is withheld for now until we open communication. I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund into your bank account for safe keeping and any Investment opportunity.
This arrangement is known to you and my personal Attorney. He might be
dealing with you directly for security reasons as the case may be.In view of the above, if you are willing to assist for our mutual benefits, we will have to negotiate on your Percentage share of the $20,000,000 that will be kept in your position for a while and
invested in your name for my trust pending when my Daughter, Zahra,
will come off age and take full responsibility of her Family Estate/inheritance.
Please note that this is a golden opportunity that comes once in life time and more so, if you are honest, I am going to entrust more funds in your care as this is one of the legacy we keep for our children.

Golly!

In case you don't accept please do not let me out to the security and international media as I am giving you this information in total trust and confidence I will greatly appreciate if you accept my proposal in good faith. Please expedite action and all response to my
email address below. NB / Please reply to : suha_arafat9@walla.com .

Yours sincerely,
Mrs. Suha Arafat

Mum's the word! I won't tell anybody!

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 8:37 PM -

 
I always wondered about that

Oraculations explains the current leftoid sewage backup in Hollywood:

I have been asking myself for more than a year why studio shareholders put up with the senseless expenditures of money for Left Wing movies most people will never go to see.
...
Well another Left godzillionaire, Ebay founder Jeff Skoll, is the guy with the deepest pockets in the movie making room. He and he alone financed North Country, Syriana, American Gun (a hate guns rant), and Good Night and Good Luck, all movies that have lost their asses in spite of Left Wing reviewers praising them to the skies. Skoll conducts his funding through his Participant Productions, which has this mantra on the main web page:

We hope our films will raise awareness about important social issues, educating audiences and inspiring them to take action.

Careful when checking out their web site - spewage on the keyboard could result. It's cool that Comrade Skoll has a hobby - I guess it's more fun than just dumping greenbacks in the outhouse.

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 8:28 AM -

 
Everyone wants to be a player

Bin Laden Starts Book Club, Vows to Crush Oprah:

When Usama bin Laden, in his most recent threatening audiotape, recommended William Blum’s five year old book, The Rogue State, its sales rank on Amazon.com jumped from 209,000 to 20. That success has launched a new business for al Qaeda that could challenge the dominance of Oprah Winfrey in the book club industry.

Members of Usama’s Book Club will receive personal recommendations from the charismatic leader, as well as the opportunity to review the club’s latest featured selection every 30 days “at no risk to life or limb, as long as you keep the book and pay the invoice.”
...
“My mission is to make this the biggest book club in the world and get people reading great books again,” said Mr. Bin Laden on a reel-to-reel tape recording released today. “This is the first step in our ultimate plan to crush the billionaire imperialist infidel Oprah Winfrey, Allah be praised, and to take the reins of power myself as America’s media darling.”

And speaking of overweight, overwrought media darlings, how about that epitome of class, Star Jones?

Star Jones has told viewers that the war on terror is nothing more than a clash of male egos between President Bush and Osama bin Laden, the NEW YORK POST reports.

Yesterday, the co-host of ABC's THE VIEW told viewers during a discussion of bin Laden's latest audio tape:

"You know what? At some point, one of these men has to put it back in his pants and zip up the zipper."

I guess ole Star knows a lot about negotiation from her commercial promotion of her own wedding at every opportunity. She also knows a bit about sexual commentary from trying to convince folks that the guy she signed to marry her isn't gay. Maybe they sucked out her brains by mistake when they did the liposuction?

Of course, my fave Star Jones story is her wrangle with PETA to keep them from using rotund drag queen, "Flotilla DeBarge," in a parody of the porcine princess:

If you’re a woman, being mistaken for an enormous transvestite is probably not the most flattering thing in the world. Some might even try to do something about their current look so that they do not look like an enormous transvestite. But since that would mean less snacking on sticks of butter, Star Jones is just gonna sue everyone in sight. There’s almost nothing about this story I understand and even less that I care about. Choosing who to root for between PETA and Star Jones is like choosing what color mouse trap to put my penis in.

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 8:02 AM -

 
Tom Cruise kills South Park episode

Everyone's fave Looney Tunes character has his panties in a knot:

UK TV viewers will not get to see an episode of South Park which shows Nicole Kidman and fellow Scientologist John Travolta attempting to coax a fictional Tom Cruise character out of a closet, with Kidman saying: "Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet. You're not fooling anyone."

Naturally, the robustly heterosexual (sic) Top Gun star took exception to this when Trapped in the Closet aired in the US. The episode also showed Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard having a pop at the Cruise character's acting abilities, and Cruise reportedly waved the legal big stick at Paramount and threatened to sue if the offending programme was ever shown again.

Well, at least he isn't killing Oprah this time.

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 9:44 AM -

 
No bad idea goes unexplored

Amazon.com plans original series on Web and what a series it is:

Amazon.com Inc. plans to broadcast on its Web site an original show hosted by Bill Maher and featuring performers and authors touting new releases -- which, not coincidentally, will be for sale at the online retailer.

An infomercial hosted by Butthead. I'm so excited!

The 12-episode Webcast series, which will begin airing June 1, is the first offering in what the Seattle company says is a broader plan to add more original programming to its Web site.

Kathy Savitt, Amazon.com's vice president of strategic communications, content and initiatives, said the long-term goal is to help Amazon.com become more of a "destination," where offerings such as this help people find artists whose works they might not previously have thought of buying.

A "destination" where you can go to see infomercials. In the old days that was a UHF TV station. Nowadays, I guess it is the minor satellite channels in the off hours. In the future it can be the Internet!

Analyst Steve Weinstein with Pacific Crest Securities said he thinks it's a good idea for Amazon.com to try to strike a deeper connection with its customers to help keep brand loyalty. But he's not sure how many people will start visiting the site just for such content, or how much difference it will make to the company's finances.

I'd say zero, but a few minutes watching the Home Shopping Channel when they are taking phone calls will convince you there are folks with a lot of time on their hands. Of course, they love the sappy live interaction with the hosts and somehow I don't think a recording of Butthead will suffice.

All of the guests on "Amazon Fishbowl With Bill Maher" will be promoting a new release, such as a book, DVD or CD, and Savitt said the shows will include ways for people to immediately buy the products the performers are touting.

Wait, there's more!

After the launch, the free programs will be available for on-demand viewing anytime, although users cannot download them.

I'm heartbroken at that news.

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 7:29 AM -

 
Today's Hoot!

In the matter of Motor Pool Mayor Ray Nagin, James Gill at The (New Orleans) Times Picayune says We've survived crazy politicians before:

Louisiana survived Earl Long's trip to the nuthouse, so maybe New Orleans can survive Mayor Ray Nagin's apparent descent into lunacy.

But Long managed to put his eccentric episodes behind him and remained a political force, going on to win a congressional election just before he died.

Nagin may not be so lucky. It will be hard to recover from his Martin Luther King Day tirade, because it was not just insane. It was stupid. The mayoralty is there for any credible candidate who wants it, because Nagin just threw away the white vote that got him into office in the first place.

The sooner we reschedule the election, the better, because we aren't going to accelerate the Katrina recovery so long as the whole world knows the man in charge down here not only chats with King but is also a confidant of the Almighty.

Actually, we've known about that for quite a while.

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 9:03 PM -

 
The Big Guy is Back!



And in fine form. While we're on the subject:

US envoy to the United Nations, John Bolton, said in New York on Tuesday that the Iranian nuclear crisis was a key test for the Council, and warned there was no guarantee a consensus would be reached on how to deal with Tehran.

"If the Security Council can't deal with something like the Iranian nuclear weapons program, then it's hard to imagine what circumstances the (UN) Charter contemplated the Council would be involved in," Bolton told reporters.

Although it isn't mentioned in the Charter, they're great at padding expense accounts.

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 8:39 PM -

 
I like blondes...

But I like blonde jokes too and this is the best blonde joke ever. A hat tip to the ladies.

And in unrelated news, Howard Stern admitted to having two plastic surgery enhancements. I don't care to see the before photos, thanks! Best line: "the perfect face for radio."

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 10:40 AM -

 
Big Weird Al is probably real worried about what they might hear



I guess ole Al Gore isn't ever too likely to be in favor of wiretapping foreign agents. But that's OK since he's got a new career now - Gore to Star in Brokeback Mountain Sequel…Alone. Don't anyone tell me about the sex scenes!

(Hat tip: Registered)

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 8:04 PM -

 
Motor Pool Mayor Ray Nagin is hearing voices again



Thus spake the wingnut:

"Surely God is mad at America. He sent us hurricane after hurricane after hurricane, and it's destroyed and put stress on this country," Nagin said as he and other city leaders commemorated Martin Luther King Day. "Surely he doesn't approve of us being in Iraq under false pretenses. But surely he is upset at black America also. We're not taking care of ourselves."

Joking that he may appear to have "post-Katrina stress disorder," Nagin, who is black, talked of an imaginary conversation with the late civil rights leader. They "talked," he said, while he was thinking Monday about what to say at the ceremony outside City Hall to kick off a walking parade in King's honor.

Another explanation is that he's looser than lambsh*t.

Nagin also recounted his disappointment with state and federal officials in the days after Katrina, wondering what King would have thought at the sight of so many people stranded at the Louisiana Superdome and the city's convention center for days after the storm, stuck in sweltering heat and lacking adequate food, water and bathrooms.

Too bad they didn't have any buses, eh Ray?

Ray has also been getting other messages when he forgets to wear his beanie:

"I don't care what people are saying Uptown or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate at the end of the day," Nagin said in a Martin Luther King Jr. Day speech. "This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be."

The Big Guy wants New Orleans to be "majority African-American" and he sends hurricanes to destroy it? Sounds like he's channeling David Duke on this like he is on Iraq. Anyhow, someone clued in the wild and crazy guy that he was grossing out the fans:

Pressed later to explain his comments, Nagin, who is black, told CNN affiliate WDSU-TV that he was referring to creation of a racially diverse city in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, insisting that his remarks were not divisive.

"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about," he said.

Back to Jamaica, Ray.

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 3:45 PM -

 
He's got one thing right



It's that Gaia guy again - James Lovelock: The Earth is about to catch a morbid fever that may last as long as 100,000 years:

This article is the most difficult I have written and for the same reasons. My Gaia theory sees the Earth behaving as if it were alive, and clearly anything alive can enjoy good health, or suffer disease. Gaia has made me a planetary physician and I take my profession seriously, and now I, too, have to bring bad news.

The climate centres around the world, which are the equivalent of the pathology lab of a hospital, have reported the Earth's physical condition, and the climate specialists see it as seriously ill, and soon to pass into a morbid fever that may last as long as 100,000 years. I have to tell you, as members of the Earth's family and an intimate part of it, that you and especially civilisation are in grave danger.

He's also flogging a new book, The Revenge of Gaia. So what's the whine this time, Jimmy?

It was ill luck that we started polluting at a time when the sun is too hot for comfort. We have given Gaia a fever and soon her condition will worsen to a state like a coma. She has been there before and recovered, but it took more than 100,000 years. We are responsible and will suffer the consequences: as the century progresses, the temperature will rise 8 degrees centigrade in temperate regions and 5 degrees in the tropics.

Much of the tropical land mass will become scrub and desert, and will no longer serve for regulation; this adds to the 40 per cent of the Earth's surface we have depleted to feed ourselves.

Curiously, aerosol pollution of the northern hemisphere reduces global warming by reflecting sunlight back to space. This "global dimming" is transient and could disappear in a few days like the smoke that it is, leaving us fully exposed to the heat of the global greenhouse. We are in a fool's climate, accidentally kept cool by smoke, and before this century is over billions of us will die and the few breeding pairs of people that survive will be in the Arctic where the climate remains tolerable.

Sounds like we should all smoke cigars while we round up some virgins for sacrifice.

Perhaps the saddest thing is that Gaia will lose as much or more than we do. Not only will wildlife and whole ecosystems go extinct, but in human civilisation the planet has a precious resource. We are not merely a disease; we are, through our intelligence and communication, the nervous system of the planet. Through us, Gaia has seen herself from space, and begins to know her place in the universe.

Break out the tin foil for beanies too.

Jimmy isn't as daft as he seems - he's learned the trick of all successful doomsayers: never predict anything to happen within your lifetime. He's 86.

posted by Cracker Barrel Philosopher at 12:40 PM -